“a modicum of dignity”

And then, there was this:

     I answered the phone, a young girl's voice on the line from the Hospice service – explaining she was the Chaplain, and on her way, if it was convenient. I asked her to please hold and spoke to Michael – You don't have to do this, it is just part of the Hospice package, we can deny the visit. 
His response, “no, it's okay, let's see what she's got”
hoo boy, I thought, this young lady was surely going to remember this hospice visit! 

     In preparation for her visit, Michael wanted to move from the hospital bed downstairs to the bedroom upstairs – I dragged the O2 machine, the excessive amount of tubing, and then, assisted him with the stairs and into the “real” bed. He wanted to feel more human – a change of view, a change of shirt, and be in the comfort of our bedroom for the visit with The Chaplain.  I have to admit, the change looked good on him. 

     I met the Chaplain, at the front door, we sat and had a quick talk, then I led her back to the bedroom. I made introductions, I had placed a chair at the foot of the bed and she sat, hands clasped on her lap. She seemed so young and yes, very inexperienced. Michael was welcoming, as he always was, and filling in the silence with comfortable questions about her background. He asked her, “where do you hang your hat?” The Chaplain didn't understand the reference, so she turned it on him and asked, “I don't know, where do you hang your hat?” He replied, by saying once chemo stopped and his hair started growing back, he was never wearing a hat again! Then, he went on to explain the reference.  – she said she was some generic, lay representative. 

     She asked him of his faith – he explained, while a young kid living with his Aunts and Grandmothers during the summers in the Ozark country, he was schooled in Bible-thumping, Evangelists, Zealots, some relatives he stayed with during the summers even practiced the charismatic gifts of speaking in tongues! Later he studied – Buddhism, Christians, Judaism, Muslims, ALL of them - as many religions as he could. His thinking was that by studying world religions he was learning and understanding current events, people, traditions, geography, wars, and history. 

     He finished “the lesson” answering her = he was a “Zen Baptist.” 

     At this point, she was scrambling - wanting to connect. You could see she was searching for another conversation starter. She asked Michael, “how are you handling all the changes?” and he responds, “what changes - for example?” She looks at him, then around the room, and settles on the O2 compressor and says, “well, … like Oxygen, how long have you needed Oxygen?”  
Michael waits,  - and then – says -- “all my life … … I'm kind of addicted to it” 

     I LOVED that moment – seeing his brain and humor – still brilliant – still intact.  
At the close of her visit, she asked him, “What do you want? What are your wishes - at the end?”  I'm not sure what she was expecting to hear at this point! absolution of sins, a burial plan, an altar sacrifice, forgiveness, peace, freedom, a perfectly cooked steak, and a good pale ale …  

     Michael told her he wasn't scared, he would like to be with his family and friends – and finally said this = “I hope to have a modicum of dignity.” 

     That time came, so darn quickly, just a few days later, and we did him right. I'll be forever grateful to Jackson for protecting and ensuring Michael's dignity right up until his last breath and beyond.

I privately watched, from the porch above, as my husband's body, perfectly wrapped in a nice old quilt, exited our home – accompanied, each step, by Jackson to the car waiting. Jackson stood close as they loaded him in and closed the door. I then saw my son shake the driver's hand and thank him before the car headed out – one last dignified ride down our long driveway, in the dark of night.


addendum to this story:  
I had decided who I would call to take care of Michael after he passed and surprised myself with a change to a different service about 10 min after he died because of a suggestion/information from the random private nurse I had hired for the night - I had met her for the first time - 3 hours earlier!  
anyway ...  about an hour after that car headed out our driveway with Michael -  I said to Jackson, "hey, did you happen to get a business card from those guys?"  "no,"  After a minute or two - I said, "hmmm,  I didn't notice a logo, name or sign on that car, did you?" 
and then, we both busted out laughing, wondering where Michael might be going!  I have to say, I was a bit relieved when I called the service the next day to confirm Michael was there!  but, we still joke about wondering who those nice guys were? and their wonderful old quilt driving off with Mike to the great beyond!