that dang snooze button

Dearest,

I received your email today I can't believe it - what a wonderful journey you shared with me. I was transported to another place.

What I've realized in the last couple days is this:

I spoke of wanting to meet up with the "me" that I was during that time we met,  and I find that writing you again, reading your emails, and all the thought in between ... well, that woman - that "me" - has made a surprise visit!  Plopped down right here next to me - as I sit in front of the screen and search cyberspace, witnessing this verbal volley into the void ~ that we are experiencing.   She resurfaces briefly - a ghost of myself revisiting my soul - she makes me giggle. and I'm not the giggling type at all. ( as you know, I tend to snort.)

That realization is very powerful. It has shaken my world. What I  thought as lost - only to be remembered or found in my autumn years, that twinkle you see in old ladies' eyes - is showing me a glimpse of its presence NOW.  Preempting my script - missing the cue - walking boldly right on stage!  What will I do with this? Drop the curtain, Shove her back down,  sweep the ghost under a rug - an embarrassing dust? Pull her from the depths - giving breath, stir the embers, spark, fire!  Or, let her be?  sleeping peacefully not making any waves - just an inner glow?  I suppose it is a comfort to know she hasn't died!   OH my, she isn't Dead after all! 

She waits - patiently, for the time to blossom and show herself boldly to the world 

or      

simply for me to WAKE UP! stop hitting that snooze button. 

That I can give the signal - the encouraging push. It is all in my power - what a new feeling for me.

I know, this is all about me - but, I had to share it now.  I sat alone at the dining table and reread what I had written to you earlier of my dreams and thought - WHAT am I waiting for? Why am I settling? It is against all I preach. That "me" has always been HERE.

I guess I will chew on this awhile, swirl it between tongue and cheek. Swish, then, spit it out - to that face in the mirror and see what appears ... as if a gypsy reading tea leaves. I read something like that once on a greeting card and it always has stayed with me - a great visual.  (thank you creative greeting card writer)

I may wake tomorrow and laugh at my dramatic, sophomoric, self-absorption AND maybe even forget THIS overwhelming feeling I can't even fully describe. That is why I wrote it down and addressed it to you (or maybe it is to the future me?) and will hold onto it - a plane on the tar-mat in a holding pattern waiting for its turn - put it in my letterbox to read again.

Do we have lift off?

Meanwhile, I will man this cyber watchtower.

and later - time to clean the bathroom mirror!